Confessions of a Love Junkie

Alas, BluePlasticStraw is one letter too long to be a username. :(

But, I am pleased to announce that I'm moving anyway. The only thing better than a blue plastic straw is a blue curly straw.

This will be the last post on this journal.

I'm so burnt out on school and work I could just scream.  Thank god it's my last day for both.  Three glorious weeks off with nothing to do but review for the GRE.  That will be a pleasurable change of pace frankly.  Multiple choice questions where there is only one correct answer and a logical way of finding it.  Relief for a brain overtaxed with analysis and creativity. 

I'm meant to go to Seattle this weekend for my sister's birthday party, but I'm feeling really anti-social.  I just want to stay home and sleep. 

I release you, my beautiful and terrible
fear. I release you. You were my beloved
and hated twin, but now, I don't know you
as myself. I release you with all the
pain I would know at the death of
my children.

You are not my blood anymore.

Oh, you have choked me, but I gave you the leash.
You have gutted me but I gave you the knife.
You have devoured me, but I laid myself across the fire.

I take myself back, fear.
You are not my shadow any longer.
I won't hold you in my hands.
You can't live in my eye, my ears, my voice
my belly, or in my heart my heart
my heart     my heart

But come here, fear
I am alive and you are so afraid
                                               of dying.

excerpted from a poem by Joy Harjo

The upside of 100F degree weather three days in a row?  I can eat (soy) ice cream for dinner and not feel guilty.  Cold is a food group, right?

So last night was a new one.  I got stood up after being invited to someone's house.

Control rods are pulled
Chain reactions can't be stopped
A lust Chernobyl

Too hot

Can't move

Sent ice cream stat

It's supposed to be over 100F here AGAIN later in the week. What happened to those temperate summers we're supposed to have here in the Northwest? Mainly I worry about the felines. I can go hide out in the air conditioned library to get relief, the kitties don't have that luxury. Last time it got hot I considered wetting them down, but I think that would stress them out more than the heat.

This past weekend was a lot of fun. A friend from Ok Cupid was in town and what was planned to be a movie and dinner on Saturday turned into hanging out all Saturday night and most of Sunday. I didn't get nearly as much school work done as I had planned, but it was worth it. Much amusement was had.

Less than two weeks left in summer session. Time flies when you're stressed out! I need to get away for a couple weekends later in the summer/fall, just to have some fun. I haven't done enough of that.

And now, a chance for my friends to express an opinion which will influence my future! Relax, it's not all that exciting. I created this LJ about a month before I decided to start using BluePlasticStraw just about everywhere online. I would like to change my username here, for the sake of consistency and because I don't want "vegan" to be a main part of my identity (for a variety of reasons).  It costs $15 to change a username.  What is your opinion on a name change?  Should I just quit worrying about it? 

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

× I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	× I own lots of books.  (I seriously downsized my book collection the last time I moved.)
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.  (I like watching other people play them, but I suck at them and I'm not patient enough to not suck.)	✓ I've tried marijuana.  (Not a big fan. Makes my brain feel mushy.)
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.  (damnhellass)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.  (moderate to severe major depression ------> mostly stable and happy)	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

Soccer players are definitely the hottest athletes.

Oh, those legs, and every time one lifts up his shirt, washboard abs.

I love World Cup.

On a happier note, the threat of chicken pox has passed, it turned out to be just an allergic reaction. I'm still going to ask about getting my antibodies tested when I go to the doctor on Thursday. I spend enough time around the little plague carriers that I need all the immunity I can get.

I got a couple itchy spots on my arms, but those were just mosquito bites. So far I am pox free, but the incubation period is 10-21 days so I'm not in the clear yet. Of course, I have no idea if the kid in question even has chickenpox. It's likely that she didn't and all this worry is for nothing.

I'm also not sleeping again, which is frustrating.

I've never had chicken pox. I got half of the vaccine when I was around 20, but my insurance ran out so I never went back for the booster. One of the kids at work broke out in spots on her face today. None on her belly or back, though, (at least when her mom came to pick her up) and she seemed to be feeling fine. Still, I'm freaking out a little.

Adults who get chicken pox usually have a much more severe, prolonged case than children. Pneumonia is common. The rate of hospitalization for chickenpox is almost 900% higher in adults than in children. Adults are more than 20 times more likely to die from this disease.

Auuuugh!

I'm going to call my doctor and tell her I want to get vaccinated when I have my appointment next week.

I keep meaning to update, but I'm really feeling unmotivated.

I did the GRE, I got 620 on the Verbal, which is ok and 560 on the Quantitative, which is pretty shitty. I haven't gotten my Analytical writing score yet, but I feel like I did pretty well.

I've already decided I'm going to take it again in August before classes start. Lee has kindly offered to help me prep for the Quantitative portion, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to raise my score on that section. I think I can do better on the Verbal as well, since I spent very little time prepping for that.

I'm working 18-20 hours per week, plus doing summer classes which are really intense, so I'm pretty busy all around, but it feels good to be doing productive stuff.

I'm taking the GRE in less than 48 hours. I feel completely unprepared, even though I've been reviewing for several weeks. All that anxiety that I've been compartmentalizing is busting out at the seams. I feel like I'm going to cry or puke or maybe both. I've been having anxiety dreams for a week. When I can sleep, that is, which I've not been doing much of. Waking up several times a night with my heart pounding out of my chest can't be healthy.

Everyone keeps telling me to calm down, and I know I'm being irrational, but I can't help it. I have never had this kind of test anxiety before, so I have no idea how to deal with it.

One way or the other it'll be over after Friday morning. I'm going in with a pessimistic attitude, so I'll be braced for bad news, or pleasantly surprised by good. Worst case scenario, if I totally bomb the thing I can retake it in August. I've already set aside the $115 registration fee in my budget, that's the level of my fatalism right now.

I'm gonna go meditate now. Maybe I'll just have beer instead.

From Loveroot by Erica Jong

Narrowing life because of the fears,
narrowing it between the dust motes,
narrowing the pink baby
between the green-limbed monsters,
& the drooling idiots,
& the ghosts of the Thalidomide infants,
narrowing hope,
always narrowing hope.

Mother sits on one shoulder hissing:
Life is dangerous.
Father sits on the other sighing:
Lucky you.
Grandmother, grandfather, big sister:
You'll die if you leave us,
you'll die if you ever leave us.

Sweetheart, baby sister,
you'll die anyway
& so will I.
Even if you walk the wide greensward,
even if you
& your beautiful big belly
embrace the world of men & trees,
even if you moan with pleasure,
& smoke the sweet grass
& feast on strawberries in bed,
you'll die anyway--
wide or narrow,
you're going to die.

As long as you're at it,
die wide.
Follow your belly to the green pasture.
Lie down in the sun's dapple.
Life is not as dangerous
as mother said.
It is more dangerous,
more wide.

Grades posted today and the verdict is...meh. One class was better than I expected, the others were about what I thought. Not horrible, but certainly nothing close to what I'm capable of. Now that my emotional stuff is a little more under control, classes should go better.

Today's pet peeve: "friends" who, upon acquiring a significant other, disappear. I know reduced contact is to be expected, but a phone call or email now and then would be nice. Ah well, I can't nag people into being my friend.

Grades for Spring semester are supposed to post sometime today. I'm trying not to be too anxious. I also registered to take the GRE on June 16th. With a little over a month to prepare I should be fine.

It's weird to think that I'll be a Senior next year. My college experience has dragged on for so many years, in fits and starts, that actually having an endpoint in view is exciting, and a bit scary. I have been putting one foot in front of the other, concentrating on getting through classes one semester at a time, but now I have to begin looking towards the future.

Sometimes songs just cut to the bone.

Not Pretty Enough
Kasey Chambers

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me

There’s some irony in Kasey Chambers singing this, seeing as she’s gorgeous.